Friday, July 31, 2009

Why Craigslist W4M Ads Make My Eyes Rain

I used to really enjoy going through Craigslist women for men ads. I mean just absolutely reveled in it. But not anymore. Not one iota. It pains me to see all these woman, oftentimes with multiple posts, searching for a true love they'll obviously never find in a place that's filled to the brim with men sending pics of their dicks.

A lot of these woman have been around the block of life and are now approaching the cul de sac of ripe old age. They need someone to go around the circle street and help them finish off their lives. Instead, despite all their desperation, they get a shot of an erect dick, smiling a mischievous smile of lust.

Why can't these poor women see that Craigslist is for hookers and free yard waste removal. You can't expect to find a soulmate on a site that's known for finding garage sales and babysitters. These poor gals need to get out of the house, away from the computer and onwards, towards somewhere less threatening. A Starbucks, or a Barnes & Nobles. A county fair or a play at the local theatre. Anywhere but online.

Too much emphasis is put, nowadays, into meeting your soulmate online. I can see that with heavy regulated dating sites like Match or True, but not fucking Craigslist. Besides, you're basically asking that someone searches for car parts and happens to be bored enough to lurk the W4M ads in order to find some ass. Not only that, but that they lose the desire for ass and seek to maintain a healthy relationship with you when it was founded on the principal of penetration. It's just not likely.

So I get sad. I see all this desperation bundled up click after click. And I hope that these girls will find someone out there somewhere to comfort them more than the Haagan Dazs they've been indulging in to numb the pain of finding nothing. It's false hope and it's simply not fair to assume it will be anything more. Hey, some people live a life of false hope, and when something goes right, the world will actually go to shit for them. They need that misery in order to get through the day. They have to bitch about something, right? That way they can blame their problems on someone or something other than themselves or their own actions. And that's bullshit. You and I both know it.

And when did everyone seeking love become overweight? What happened to respecting yourself, at least a little, God damn it. Put the chips away and grab a banana. Drop the nutty bar and try a yogurt. Sure, McDonalds is right across the street, and it's only a buck for a paddy of shit, but give it a second thought then next time you get bored and count the waves on the ocean of your tummy. Maybe this is the reason you're alone? Maybe this is the reason you didn't post a picture on a website you shouldn't have been looking for love on.

Hell, most of you don't even have to be attractive to pull a good man, but at least have some self respect and a glimmer of a personality. If your entire ad is nothing more than wallowing in pity about how hard it is to live knowing there are no "good" guys out there, then you're probably in the wrong place. I have hordes of single, good looking friends that want nothing more than a girl that can laugh with and at them. If you're too busy counting the scars on your wrist, you'll probably never find humor in a wristcutter joke. You'll be offended and we'll all want to stay away from the sad little bitch who can't control her emotions.

So, I say fuck Craigslist. Get on with your life and get out of the house. Do something productive, like ... oh, I don't know... Living? Rather than mentally masturbating to how pathetically perilous your life has become. Or should I say, how you've made it to be.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Our Lady Peace - Burn Burn

What the hell happened to OLP?

With the release of their new record BURN BURN, I was on an all out high. Not from pot or pills, mind you, but from the groovy beats of a bitchin band I fell in love with during my impressionable years. These guys spoke to me in high school and grade school. I thought I was different because I enjoyed a band that had little mainstream success in America. Not only that, but they were from America's hat: Canada. Lord knows Canada knows how to kick some major ass - Hello Ryan Gosling! I've always wondered if he ever rocked out to some OLP in his rebellious youth days.

Anyways, the band that I so vehemently fell for in my youth have turned to be fraudulent in my ripe old age. They just don't "rock" the way they used to. No really, they sound like a poor man's Nickelback - and that's SAD. Really sad. How sad? Let's examine shall we; Nickelback is basically a poor man's Nirvana or Foo Fighters, and not even a good one at that. Stolen riffs, structure and power chords comprise a band that rip off themselves from time to time by putting out the exact same song on a routine basis. Think I'm just a bitter music fan? Think I'm joking? Listen to Someday then listen to How You Remind Me and hope that the radio jockies opt to never play them back to back on Nifty Nickelback Tuesday. I understand that most people will tell you good people borrow, great people steal - but really, from yourself?

Back to OLP, this new album is supposedly a return to their roots of hard rock and bitchin body moving riffs. None of which appear on this pop radio, adult alternative, contrived and convoluted excuse of a jam record. It's basically ballads and poor radio rock songs: neither of which appeared on their debut up to their fourth album. Their originality has waned, they've lost the amazing falsetto their lead, Raine Maida, once possessed, and all their great songwriting seems to have gone when lead guitarist Mike Turner left. Nowadays, people seem to recall scarce memories of a time when these guys shared air time with Nickelback, Saliva, and Puddle of Mud: all bands I absolutely despise. This band was different. WAS different. Anymore, they could probably be lumped together with the likes of despicable bands. And that's what pisses me off, these guys are better than this. Way better.

I don't know what happened. Some bands get old and try new things. Some bands give up and go the radio route to stay relevant. And some bands try hard only to sound like Matchbox 20 on a bad day. Or maybe the world's radio airwaves are being littered with the dance craze that's been swiffering the nation: Gaga, Black Eyed Peas, Katy Perry and countless other bullshit artists. But hey, at least Kings of Leon are doing alright. I fucking love KOL.