On Second Thought...

Did anyone catch that September blog about George Sodini? Did anyone catch the tone in which I chastised the man for his emotional shortcomings? Consider me a victim of karma; I think I've just learned that you really do get what you deserve.

So I'm with this amazing girl that has the most beautiful sense of commitment and devotion, and I can do nothing more than continually question her faithfulness: something that need not be questioned, ever. I become the emotionally weak; trust has eluded me; confidence has escaped me and instead is replaced with fear. This has happened once before, and it only seems to happen when things are good. When things are good, I get concerned that it's subterfuge, concealing the deceit that must be taking place because deceit has plagued every relationship I've ever been in. But not the good ones. No, not the good ones. I always lost those because I was pressing for something that wasn't there. It's almost like I wanted to be deceived so I could feel justified in my wayward actions.

So in my lowest moments I will resort to absurd measures in order to "find out" things that aren't true anyways. I've gone through e-mail accounts that were trusted to me, I've scoured cell phones for texts from old flames; we've all done this, I'm not just the first to admit it either. Everyone does this. Correction: everyone with a weakness has done this. It's not acceptable and it's not productive, nor conducive towards furthering any sort of stability or strength in a relationship. I already know this, I've read emotional intelligence, but did I really grasp what it meant to be emotionally intelligent?

Before you dismiss that as some sort of pop-psychology, or armchair psychologist statement or phrase that is currently vogue; understand what it means to be emotionally intelligent. It really boils down to two things: self control and compassion. You have to be capable of controlling your demons and fighting the urges - be it to explode, retreat, lay dormant, or get passive/aggressive - that attempt to overpower you in an instant. You have to catch that circuit that is trying to fire; trying to ignite the part of your brain that allows you to turn into dynamite the first time your lover mentions the name of a past lover. But it isn't just that, you've also got to be compassionate. All the focus cannot be on you and your feelings; there must be empathy in the other; you have to understand their emotions. Not feel their emotions, but truly understand where it is that they are coming from. See why they are feeling the way they are, or showing - reacting - the emotions that they are. Oftentimes, you'll find that it's a vicious circle: they are reacting to your reaction to something that was initially misinterpreted to begin with. And here is where Sisyphus' ball rolls down the hill.

It's such an arduous battle to keep yourself in check and remember there are other things that need focus rather than just giving yourself away to love. Don't get me wrong, I love love, I'm completely in love with love. But my sense of love has been wrong for so long; everything was supposed to happen like it does in the movies. Isn't that what true love is? No, not at all. Life isn't a fairy tale. You can't kiss and make up before the third act and hope that everything will roll steadily on unhinged wheels. Things have to be dragged out into the light, even the past. You have to be made aware of - and you have to be, yourself, conscious of - things you've done to change the course of the relationship. Always say, and mean, that you're sorry. If you can accept that what you did was wrong and where you were taking it was fallacious; you might just gain a new perspective about the old one that you had: mainly that it was slowly killing the love that you so direly seek.

In Chasing Amy, Ben Affleck can't get over that his girlfriend has had a checkered past. Things go awry and the couple breaks up because of Affleck's insecurity; because of his lack of faith in his own relationship. Do NOT be this guy, gentlemen. Do NOT fall into the trap of wondering if she'll revert back to her ways, if she even had them at all. The moral of the story was that she was with him now, and that he was who she wanted, not anyone else. But because he couldn't look past his hindrances - or see that she truly did want him - the only way out was for her to leave.

I've had relationships come to this point and I can assure you that it's the immediate burial of a love. You simply cannot recover from going this far into the abyss of a relationship. You'll never been seen as stable again; they'll never be able to trust that you won't check their e-mail or go through their phone again. They'll worry about how upset you just got that they mentioned an ex, when the mentioned was purely innocent and simply to make conversation. They'll never be able to know if you're being sincere in your emotions, or playing another game to trap them into saying something incriminating. All of this has to stop or you'll reap what you sow: nothingness. You'll truly get what you gave, and that is zilch.

So, grow emotionally intelligent. Seek out those things that will make you a better person, not just for her, but for you as well. You are the one that needs to grow before the relationship will ever grow; it'll never get off the ground if you're constantly pulling apart the wings and searching for faults and flaws. When love is allowed to be free of restraints, it is then that love truly soars.

Brand New

The Death of George Sodini: Or Why the Male Has Become A Bitch

Anymore, men are bitches. Men have become weak, emotional creatures that allow themselves to be stomped on, broken hearted, and shunned away from a society that they believe doesn't "understand" them. I believe the guys are just being whiny little bitches.

Was Tyler Durden right? Are we a generation of men raised by women? "I'm wondering if another woman is the answer we really need?" Tyler ponders aloud. The characters from Fight Club feel they got an education from their Father that lacks any plain goal. A simple formula of go to college, get a job, "I don't know... get married!" Underwhelming advice if I've ever heard any. It seems that we've all been spoon fed ambition and dreams all through our life only to come to the shattering conclusion that it was all bullshit.

"We are the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no great war, no great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised by television to believe that we’d be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars – but we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed-off."

Sound familiar? Do you see a bit of yourself there? A lot of people, males, that I know sure as hell do. They are tired of living empty, convoluted lives that do nothing more than spiral in an endless downfall. Nothingness, existentialism, hopelessness, absurdity, and on and on... all the buzz words of modern existence. Also the buzz words of yesteryear, but still as poignant today as they were when people found out God was dead.

Why does it seem that men tend to forget the control they have over themselves? It's pretty easy to get stuck in a thought pattern and end up bitterly enjoying it. Think of Vanilla Sky - "the sweet is never sweet without the sour." The problem being that everyone is enjoying the sour and bitching that the sweet has gone away, never to return. The problem is that people are no longer content with the sweet. Now it needs to be the sweetest of the sweet, or it's not worth tasting at all. And, God Damn it, the sweet needs to be NOW. There shouldn't be any wading in the sour in order to achieve the sweet. Fuck all that.

Seems to be the mindset currently in vogue. Seems to be the overtly excessive use of emotion in masculinity. Sounds more like bitching to me. George Sodini killed women, and himself in a gym because he couldn't find a mate. Did he look hard enough? Shit, I know twelve girls that would date him for his six pack alone. He wasn't ugly, through his writing it appears he was intellectually sound (emotionally sound - hell no), and based on his own assessment, he seemed pretty funny. Black humor, probably, but still funny.

This is nothing new under the sun. Everyone man has felt what Sodini has felt, at some point in their life. I'm currently experiencing some things Sodini was before he opted to engage in a killing spree. I too haven't been with a girl in a while. But by choice. Rather than seek pleasure in a females crotch (Sodini's biggest lament - not getting laid) I could express myself through my creativity. Write a fucking screenplay, film a scene, read a book, enlighten yourself, work out (which he apparently did enough of), go to a movie, engage in deep, meaningful conversation about a topic you're passionate towards (unless it's your hatred for women). There are ample examples of things to do other than fucking. If fucking is the only thing he could come up with to give himself meaning, then he's swimming in the shallow end of the pool of life. After all, what is it that most men want out of life, what will give them content enough to labor through a job they hate for a paycheck that barely pays the rent? Beer and pussy; the two highest achievements modern man seems to relish.

Fuck all that. Sure, I feel for the guy. He was alone, desperate, miserable and felt there was no way out of his despair. He probably needed someone to just listen to him so he could express himself in a way he didn't know how, other than with a gun and a disdain for females. But you can't tell me that there wasn't someone out there, out of the 30 million he claimed to have been rejected by (his estimate), that didn't at least find something in him. So maybe he didn't want someone to find something in him? Maybe he was content in his misery? Perhaps he had a misery wish? I think it was selfish of him to pull a stunt like that, to say the least, but he appears to have been a selfish individual.

In a way, I'm somewhat comforted by the news of all this. A terrible thing to read, I'm sure, but hear me out. You see, I also used to have the precise same feelings and thoughts Sodini had. Awash in anger and hatred for the female form, after being burned. But being burned doesn't mean you can't play with fire again; you've just got to proceed with caution the next time. I'm glad to see it play out like this as a way to remind myself that had I continued that same path of self deception, it might have been me shooting up a Hot Topic in my emo days. And that would've spelled disaster for all parties involved. Of course, some sad little emo boys, somewhere in the Myspace universe, may have praised my name as a martyr for the cause of emotional boydom. They'd be wrong. I'd have done it out of emotional stupidity. The same way George Sodini did.

Men need to desensitize themselves. Maybe watch a Clint Eastwood movie and grow the fuck up?

Why Craigslist W4M Ads Make My Eyes Rain

I used to really enjoy going through Craigslist women for men ads. I mean just absolutely reveled in it. But not anymore. Not one iota. It pains me to see all these woman, oftentimes with multiple posts, searching for a true love they'll obviously never find in a place that's filled to the brim with men sending pics of their dicks.

A lot of these woman have been around the block of life and are now approaching the cul de sac of ripe old age. They need someone to go around the circle street and help them finish off their lives. Instead, despite all their desperation, they get a shot of an erect dick, smiling a mischievous smile of lust.

Why can't these poor women see that Craigslist is for hookers and free yard waste removal. You can't expect to find a soulmate on a site that's known for finding garage sales and babysitters. These poor gals need to get out of the house, away from the computer and onwards, towards somewhere less threatening. A Starbucks, or a Barnes & Nobles. A county fair or a play at the local theatre. Anywhere but online.

Too much emphasis is put, nowadays, into meeting your soulmate online. I can see that with heavy regulated dating sites like Match or True, but not fucking Craigslist. Besides, you're basically asking that someone searches for car parts and happens to be bored enough to lurk the W4M ads in order to find some ass. Not only that, but that they lose the desire for ass and seek to maintain a healthy relationship with you when it was founded on the principal of penetration. It's just not likely.

So I get sad. I see all this desperation bundled up click after click. And I hope that these girls will find someone out there somewhere to comfort them more than the Haagan Dazs they've been indulging in to numb the pain of finding nothing. It's false hope and it's simply not fair to assume it will be anything more. Hey, some people live a life of false hope, and when something goes right, the world will actually go to shit for them. They need that misery in order to get through the day. They have to bitch about something, right? That way they can blame their problems on someone or something other than themselves or their own actions. And that's bullshit. You and I both know it.

And when did everyone seeking love become overweight? What happened to respecting yourself, at least a little, God damn it. Put the chips away and grab a banana. Drop the nutty bar and try a yogurt. Sure, McDonalds is right across the street, and it's only a buck for a paddy of shit, but give it a second thought then next time you get bored and count the waves on the ocean of your tummy. Maybe this is the reason you're alone? Maybe this is the reason you didn't post a picture on a website you shouldn't have been looking for love on.

Hell, most of you don't even have to be attractive to pull a good man, but at least have some self respect and a glimmer of a personality. If your entire ad is nothing more than wallowing in pity about how hard it is to live knowing there are no "good" guys out there, then you're probably in the wrong place. I have hordes of single, good looking friends that want nothing more than a girl that can laugh with and at them. If you're too busy counting the scars on your wrist, you'll probably never find humor in a wristcutter joke. You'll be offended and we'll all want to stay away from the sad little bitch who can't control her emotions.

So, I say fuck Craigslist. Get on with your life and get out of the house. Do something productive, like ... oh, I don't know... Living? Rather than mentally masturbating to how pathetically perilous your life has become. Or should I say, how you've made it to be.

Our Lady Peace - Burn Burn

What the hell happened to OLP?

With the release of their new record BURN BURN, I was on an all out high. Not from pot or pills, mind you, but from the groovy beats of a bitchin band I fell in love with during my impressionable years. These guys spoke to me in high school and grade school. I thought I was different because I enjoyed a band that had little mainstream success in America. Not only that, but they were from America's hat: Canada. Lord knows Canada knows how to kick some major ass - Hello Ryan Gosling! I've always wondered if he ever rocked out to some OLP in his rebellious youth days.

Anyways, the band that I so vehemently fell for in my youth have turned to be fraudulent in my ripe old age. They just don't "rock" the way they used to. No really, they sound like a poor man's Nickelback - and that's SAD. Really sad. How sad? Let's examine shall we; Nickelback is basically a poor man's Nirvana or Foo Fighters, and not even a good one at that. Stolen riffs, structure and power chords comprise a band that rip off themselves from time to time by putting out the exact same song on a routine basis. Think I'm just a bitter music fan? Think I'm joking? Listen to Someday then listen to How You Remind Me and hope that the radio jockies opt to never play them back to back on Nifty Nickelback Tuesday. I understand that most people will tell you good people borrow, great people steal - but really, from yourself?

Back to OLP, this new album is supposedly a return to their roots of hard rock and bitchin body moving riffs. None of which appear on this pop radio, adult alternative, contrived and convoluted excuse of a jam record. It's basically ballads and poor radio rock songs: neither of which appeared on their debut up to their fourth album. Their originality has waned, they've lost the amazing falsetto their lead, Raine Maida, once possessed, and all their great songwriting seems to have gone when lead guitarist Mike Turner left. Nowadays, people seem to recall scarce memories of a time when these guys shared air time with Nickelback, Saliva, and Puddle of Mud: all bands I absolutely despise. This band was different. WAS different. Anymore, they could probably be lumped together with the likes of despicable bands. And that's what pisses me off, these guys are better than this. Way better.

I don't know what happened. Some bands get old and try new things. Some bands give up and go the radio route to stay relevant. And some bands try hard only to sound like Matchbox 20 on a bad day. Or maybe the world's radio airwaves are being littered with the dance craze that's been swiffering the nation: Gaga, Black Eyed Peas, Katy Perry and countless other bullshit artists. But hey, at least Kings of Leon are doing alright. I fucking love KOL.

Magic Eye for Magic Inspiration Blog

Click below to experience all the majestical pain of a Magic Eye picture. Can you find the hidden specialness behind the vast array of words? I really hope you can.

Screenwriting Gold Blog

This may or may not be funny to you. It depends on a few things, such as, if you write screenplays (one aspect of the comedy), find hilarity in absurdity (another aspect of the comedy), and finally, can appreciate black humor (probably the mosts poignant of the aspects of comedy). If you can honestly say yes to any or all three of the merits of criteria then you'll be in for a delightful treat of genuine hilarity, or "A Gallon of Guffaws" as I'm so adamant about labeling it.

Ball's Out: The Screenplay

Rummage through the god-awful, early 90's, Angel-Fire style homepage and you'll find the script. Give them your two cents and let them know if you feel like you've any compassion left after reading this opus.

Of course, this film will never be made. How could it? A lot of humor is in the narrative and slug lines. You can't film "CAPE motherfucking COD". It's impossible to visualize the blinding radiance that is the "sheer intensity" of Tom Cruise.

But God Damn! do I ever wish it was possible.

By reading this, I was able to conjure up a horde of mental images that compelled me to further my screenplay writing. Not to the absurd level of this script, mind you, but just because it follows the basic formula of a "rise and fall of..." film. Once you see structure done in this way, it's not hard to write something in all seriousness. In all the seriousness Mr. Cruise musters when he saves people from Danger. He fucking hates Danger.