Tuesday, December 22, 2009

On Second Thought...

Did anyone catch that September blog about George Sodini? Did anyone catch the tone in which I chastised the man for his emotional shortcomings? Consider me a victim of karma; I think I've just learned that you really do get what you deserve.

So I'm with this amazing girl that has the most beautiful sense of commitment and devotion, and I can do nothing more than continually question her faithfulness: something that need not be questioned, ever. I become the emotionally weak; trust has eluded me; confidence has escaped me and instead is replaced with fear. This has happened once before, and it only seems to happen when things are good. When things are good, I get concerned that it's subterfuge, concealing the deceit that must be taking place because deceit has plagued every relationship I've ever been in. But not the good ones. No, not the good ones. I always lost those because I was pressing for something that wasn't there. It's almost like I wanted to be deceived so I could feel justified in my wayward actions.

So in my lowest moments I will resort to absurd measures in order to "find out" things that aren't true anyways. I've gone through e-mail accounts that were trusted to me, I've scoured cell phones for texts from old flames; we've all done this, I'm not just the first to admit it either. Everyone does this. Correction: everyone with a weakness has done this. It's not acceptable and it's not productive, nor conducive towards furthering any sort of stability or strength in a relationship. I already know this, I've read emotional intelligence, but did I really grasp what it meant to be emotionally intelligent?

Before you dismiss that as some sort of pop-psychology, or armchair psychologist statement or phrase that is currently vogue; understand what it means to be emotionally intelligent. It really boils down to two things: self control and compassion. You have to be capable of controlling your demons and fighting the urges - be it to explode, retreat, lay dormant, or get passive/aggressive - that attempt to overpower you in an instant. You have to catch that circuit that is trying to fire; trying to ignite the part of your brain that allows you to turn into dynamite the first time your lover mentions the name of a past lover. But it isn't just that, you've also got to be compassionate. All the focus cannot be on you and your feelings; there must be empathy in the other; you have to understand their emotions. Not feel their emotions, but truly understand where it is that they are coming from. See why they are feeling the way they are, or showing - reacting - the emotions that they are. Oftentimes, you'll find that it's a vicious circle: they are reacting to your reaction to something that was initially misinterpreted to begin with. And here is where Sisyphus' ball rolls down the hill.

It's such an arduous battle to keep yourself in check and remember there are other things that need focus rather than just giving yourself away to love. Don't get me wrong, I love love, I'm completely in love with love. But my sense of love has been wrong for so long; everything was supposed to happen like it does in the movies. Isn't that what true love is? No, not at all. Life isn't a fairy tale. You can't kiss and make up before the third act and hope that everything will roll steadily on unhinged wheels. Things have to be dragged out into the light, even the past. You have to be made aware of - and you have to be, yourself, conscious of - things you've done to change the course of the relationship. Always say, and mean, that you're sorry. If you can accept that what you did was wrong and where you were taking it was fallacious; you might just gain a new perspective about the old one that you had: mainly that it was slowly killing the love that you so direly seek.

In Chasing Amy, Ben Affleck can't get over that his girlfriend has had a checkered past. Things go awry and the couple breaks up because of Affleck's insecurity; because of his lack of faith in his own relationship. Do NOT be this guy, gentlemen. Do NOT fall into the trap of wondering if she'll revert back to her ways, if she even had them at all. The moral of the story was that she was with him now, and that he was who she wanted, not anyone else. But because he couldn't look past his hindrances - or see that she truly did want him - the only way out was for her to leave.

I've had relationships come to this point and I can assure you that it's the immediate burial of a love. You simply cannot recover from going this far into the abyss of a relationship. You'll never been seen as stable again; they'll never be able to trust that you won't check their e-mail or go through their phone again. They'll worry about how upset you just got that they mentioned an ex, when the mentioned was purely innocent and simply to make conversation. They'll never be able to know if you're being sincere in your emotions, or playing another game to trap them into saying something incriminating. All of this has to stop or you'll reap what you sow: nothingness. You'll truly get what you gave, and that is zilch.

So, grow emotionally intelligent. Seek out those things that will make you a better person, not just for her, but for you as well. You are the one that needs to grow before the relationship will ever grow; it'll never get off the ground if you're constantly pulling apart the wings and searching for faults and flaws. When love is allowed to be free of restraints, it is then that love truly soars.