Tuesday, December 22, 2009

On Second Thought...

Did anyone catch that September blog about George Sodini? Did anyone catch the tone in which I chastised the man for his emotional shortcomings? Consider me a victim of karma; I think I've just learned that you really do get what you deserve.

So I'm with this amazing girl that has the most beautiful sense of commitment and devotion, and I can do nothing more than continually question her faithfulness: something that need not be questioned, ever. I become the emotionally weak; trust has eluded me; confidence has escaped me and instead is replaced with fear. This has happened once before, and it only seems to happen when things are good. When things are good, I get concerned that it's subterfuge, concealing the deceit that must be taking place because deceit has plagued every relationship I've ever been in. But not the good ones. No, not the good ones. I always lost those because I was pressing for something that wasn't there. It's almost like I wanted to be deceived so I could feel justified in my wayward actions.

So in my lowest moments I will resort to absurd measures in order to "find out" things that aren't true anyways. I've gone through e-mail accounts that were trusted to me, I've scoured cell phones for texts from old flames; we've all done this, I'm not just the first to admit it either. Everyone does this. Correction: everyone with a weakness has done this. It's not acceptable and it's not productive, nor conducive towards furthering any sort of stability or strength in a relationship. I already know this, I've read emotional intelligence, but did I really grasp what it meant to be emotionally intelligent?

Before you dismiss that as some sort of pop-psychology, or armchair psychologist statement or phrase that is currently vogue; understand what it means to be emotionally intelligent. It really boils down to two things: self control and compassion. You have to be capable of controlling your demons and fighting the urges - be it to explode, retreat, lay dormant, or get passive/aggressive - that attempt to overpower you in an instant. You have to catch that circuit that is trying to fire; trying to ignite the part of your brain that allows you to turn into dynamite the first time your lover mentions the name of a past lover. But it isn't just that, you've also got to be compassionate. All the focus cannot be on you and your feelings; there must be empathy in the other; you have to understand their emotions. Not feel their emotions, but truly understand where it is that they are coming from. See why they are feeling the way they are, or showing - reacting - the emotions that they are. Oftentimes, you'll find that it's a vicious circle: they are reacting to your reaction to something that was initially misinterpreted to begin with. And here is where Sisyphus' ball rolls down the hill.

It's such an arduous battle to keep yourself in check and remember there are other things that need focus rather than just giving yourself away to love. Don't get me wrong, I love love, I'm completely in love with love. But my sense of love has been wrong for so long; everything was supposed to happen like it does in the movies. Isn't that what true love is? No, not at all. Life isn't a fairy tale. You can't kiss and make up before the third act and hope that everything will roll steadily on unhinged wheels. Things have to be dragged out into the light, even the past. You have to be made aware of - and you have to be, yourself, conscious of - things you've done to change the course of the relationship. Always say, and mean, that you're sorry. If you can accept that what you did was wrong and where you were taking it was fallacious; you might just gain a new perspective about the old one that you had: mainly that it was slowly killing the love that you so direly seek.

In Chasing Amy, Ben Affleck can't get over that his girlfriend has had a checkered past. Things go awry and the couple breaks up because of Affleck's insecurity; because of his lack of faith in his own relationship. Do NOT be this guy, gentlemen. Do NOT fall into the trap of wondering if she'll revert back to her ways, if she even had them at all. The moral of the story was that she was with him now, and that he was who she wanted, not anyone else. But because he couldn't look past his hindrances - or see that she truly did want him - the only way out was for her to leave.

I've had relationships come to this point and I can assure you that it's the immediate burial of a love. You simply cannot recover from going this far into the abyss of a relationship. You'll never been seen as stable again; they'll never be able to trust that you won't check their e-mail or go through their phone again. They'll worry about how upset you just got that they mentioned an ex, when the mentioned was purely innocent and simply to make conversation. They'll never be able to know if you're being sincere in your emotions, or playing another game to trap them into saying something incriminating. All of this has to stop or you'll reap what you sow: nothingness. You'll truly get what you gave, and that is zilch.

So, grow emotionally intelligent. Seek out those things that will make you a better person, not just for her, but for you as well. You are the one that needs to grow before the relationship will ever grow; it'll never get off the ground if you're constantly pulling apart the wings and searching for faults and flaws. When love is allowed to be free of restraints, it is then that love truly soars.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Shane, I love your honesty and openness.

I want to reply to this comment, anonymously to the public... but you know who I am, right? Your good pal way west side with the letters 'and' in my name.

I would never publicly admit the things you have in this post, but I have experienced all of them personally, both as victim and perpetrator.

Having come from parents that have no comprehension of the word fidelity and yet feeling in my core since I was a child and could think that infidelity was wrong, I have always had major issues with infidelity. Being cheated on by every boyfriend didn't help either. So when the nice one comes along... You f*ck it up with all your insecurities! I know it too well.

Here are the things that help me to not let my mind wander into the dark abyss of What If, Where Is, etc...

1. KEEP BUSY on projects that make you feel good about yourself and keep you from wasting time wondering what the other person is doing. You are too busy to care!

2. Find a good person! You know when you meet someone, you get a vibe instantly on whether they are the cheatin type or not. Even though you may want to have sex with a hot babe, if she has the cheatin vibe, stay clear. Keeps you from repeating a bad pattern and validating your fears.

3. Trust that good person. If the person does you wrong, I have found that the truth somehow falls in your lap, whether you want it or not! You don't have to go searching for it, which only ruins the good ones and confirms your fears about the bad ones.

4. Have conversations about how you are feeling. The right person for you will be understanding and make you feel better. Not everyone is the right person for you, maybe just a very small few in the world will make a good connection to you. So if it doesn't work out with someone, consider it a blessing, they just are not the right one. Neither to blame. It just didn't work. Move on. Be friends if you can.

5. Trust your gut!! Every time I followed up on my gut instincts, I was right, even though sometimes it took years for the real truth to avail. If you are feeling nervous or insecure, there might be a good reason for it. Don't discount how you are feeling. Just because you might feel awful or crazy, doesn't mean that you are wrong. There is someone out there who won't leave you feeling like that. If you feel bad, for whatever reason, it probably is not the right person for you, no matter how wonderful you think she is.

Your soul knows better. We are all connected. Information floats.

Your soul knows when someone is truly honestly devotedly and wholly in love with you. You will know it. You see it in her eyes and in her kiss and in her behavior and in her phone calls and in her text messages and all that, a true love is there. Patient. Understanding. Simple. Straight forward. Loving. No games. Minimal worries.

6. Take it slow! Lasting love doesn't happen over night. Space out your first several hangouts so that you can have time to think about the person and what you have learned about her and if she is actually worthy of your magnificence. It takes time to trust someone. It should be a few months down the line when you actually have had time to get to know each other for real. Don't rush it. And don't tie yourself to the wrong person out of loneliness.
"That which comes quickly, goes quickly."

And remember, some things are just better not known. Some ignorance is bliss. If you can't handle it, don't ask about it.